— 25 April 2005 —

Lies and the Next Bond Girl

I’ve been thinking for quite a while now that the next Bond should be a woman.

I think 007, James Bond is just a position title and anyone up to the challenge of the job should be able to do it. It would be a way to explain why there have been so many Bonds over the years. In that way, they really are all James Bond, just different people.

It would be wonderful to see a Vesper Martini-swilling, cool-as-a-cucumber-finger-sandwich, womanizing (okay as an update and for wider audience appeal, let’s call it “constantly being randy”), ass-kicking, smooth-talking, sociopathic woman take center stage (screen).

And at that moment when she introduced her self as, “Bond. James Bond,” there would be no looks of surprise on anyone’s face. Okay, I guess it would be funny to have Rowan Atkinson saying, “James, eh? Awfully odd name for a girl.” Then she could reply, “It came with the job, much like this.” Upon uttering she would then press a button and Rowan would blow up as the target of some imaginative and entirely unnecessary Q device. Why Rowan Atkinson? Because I love him and I want to have his baby. And if you don’t know what I am talking about, go buy this.

The title should be “Tell Me Another Lie,” or “Smile When You Lie to Me,” or “Lies, Damn Lies and the Lying [insert evil ethnic stereotype du jour here]* Who Tell Them.”

The premise is, of course, information espionage. Yes, done to death, but there’s plenty of material that can be brought together to make it plausible to launch a rocket from a coffee thermos in an attempt to stop a runaway [insert summer sport here] at the Summer Olympics in Beijing in 2008.

The opening sequence should still be silhouetted, prancing, body-stockinged (you don’t think they’re really naked do you?) women and the title track should be “Lies” by Save Ferris (lyrics). If you’ve never heard the song before, it is very Bond-esque, and is actually what got me thinking about this.

I have an outline for the script already. Which is somewhat sad I know. I just think it would be nice to see a woman in the role. Who would play this new Bond? No clue. Definitely not Angelina Jolie. Definitely not Jennifer Garner. Someone who had a real English accent, because (of course) that is part of the job description; to talk with an English accent. Actually, I have no clue. Mike suggested Elizabeth Hurley…? Hm. Will have to think about that one.

But I have plenty of time as I suppose no studio will come calling any time soon to have me write and direct the next Bond movie, let alone buy my idea for a few thousand quid.

*Don’t flip out about my bracketed text, it’s called Social Commentary. :P

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